Adapted from the University of Oregon Philosophy Dept. web page
Plato
For the greater good.
Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli
So that its subjects will view it with admiration,as a chicken
which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates
Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of
choleric humour.
Jacques Derrida
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is
DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find
out.
Noam Chomsky
The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of
1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens
reaching maturity that year had spent 82% of
their lives in confinement. The living
conditions in most chicken coops break every
international law ever written, and some,
particularly the ones for chickens bound for
slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they
had no chance to cross the road (unless you
count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one
or two have crossed roads for whatever reason,
most never get a chance. Of course, this is not
what we are told. Instead, we see chickens
happily dancing around on Sesame Street and
Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not
only crossing roads, but driving trucks.
[Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full
text of his answer, contact Onanian Press.]
Timothy Leary
Because that's the only kind of trip the
Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams
Forty-two.
Nietzsche
Because if you gaze too long across
the Road, the Road gazes also across
you.
B.F. Skinner
Because the external influences
which had pervaded its sensorium
from birth had caused it to
develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads,
even while believing these
actions to be of its own free
will.
B.F. Skinner (again)
Under carefully controlled
experimental conditions, the
chicken did what it damn
well pleased.
Carl Jung
The confluence of events
in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that
individual chickens
cross roads at this
historical juncture, and
therefore
synchronicitously
brought such occurrences
into being.
Jean-Paul
Sartre
In order to act in
good faith and be
true to itself, the
chicken found it
necessary to cross
the road.
Ludwig
Wittgenstein
The possibility
of "crossing"
was encoded into
the objects
"chicken" and
"road", and
circumstances
came into being
which caused the
actualization of
this potential
occurrence.
Richard
Nixon
Edgar will
find out!
Or, uh, we
could put,
uh, Liddy on
it. Liddy. I
worry about
Liddy
sometimes.
Remember
when we
assigned him
to figure
out which 1
of those
[expletive
deleted]
passenger
pigeons had
been leaking
campaign
secrets?
Albert
Einstein
Whether
the
chicken
crossed
the road
or the
road
crossed
the
chicken
depends
upon
your
frame of
reference.
Aristotle
To
actualize
its
potential.
Buddha
If
you
ask
this
question,
you
deny
your
own
chicken-nature.
Catherine
Mackinnon
Because,
in
this
patriarchal
state,
for
the
last
4
centuries,
men
have
applied
their
principles
of
justice
in
determining
how
chickens
should
be
cared
for,
their
language
has
demeaned
the
identity
of
the
chicken,
their
technology
and
trucks
have
decided
how
and
where
chickens
will
be
distributed,
their
science
has
become
the
basis
for
what
chickens
eat,
their
sense
of
humor
has
provided
the
framework
for
this
joke,
their
art
and
film
have
given
us
our
perception
of
chicken
life,
their
lust
for
flesh
has
made
the
chicken
the
most
consumed
animal
in
the
US,
and
their
legal
system
has
left
the
chicken
with
no
other
recourse.
Bill
Clinton
It
is
one
of
the
challenging
problems
of
our
time,
isn't
it?
And,
although
we
have
known
of
this
problem
for
many
years,
nobody
has
ever
taken
it
seriously
enough
to
really
feel
the
chicken's
pain.
Clearly
we
need
to
move
forward
on
this
issue
in
a
measured,
humane
way,
bearing
in
mind
that
the
federal
government
can't
be
all
things
to
all
creatures,
but
that,
in
the
final
analysis,
it
is
the
Constitution
of
this
great
land
of
ours
which
guarantees
freedom
of
action,
within
prudent
limits,
for
all
of
us.
God
bless
you,
and
thanks
for
asking.
Bob
Dole
How
should
I
know?
Get
that
microphone
out
of
my
face!
David
Hume
Out
of
custom
and
habit.
Salvador
Dali
The
Fish.
Darwin
It
was
the
logical
next
step
after
coming
down
from
the
trees.
Emily
Dickinson
Because
it
could
not
stop
for
death.
Epicurus
For
fun.
Ralph
Waldo
Emerson
It
didn't
cross
the
road;
it
transcended
it.
Johann
von
Goethe
The
eternal
hen-principle
made
it
do
it.
Ernest
Hemingway
To
die.
In
the
rain.
Werner
Heisenberg
We
are
not
sure
which
side
of
the
road
the
chicken
was
on,
but
it
was
moving
very
fast.
Jack
Nicholson
'Cause
it
(censored)
wanted
to.
That's
the
(censored)
reason.
Pyrrho
the
Skeptic
What
road?
The
Sphinx
You
tell
me.
Henry
David
Thoreau
To
live
deliberately
...
and
suck
all
the
marrow
out
of
life.
Howard
Cosell
It
may
very
well
have
been
one
of
the
most
astonishing
events
to
grace
the
annals
of
history.
An
historic,
unprecedented
avian
biped
with
the
temerity
to
attempt
such
an
herculean
achievement
formerly
relegated
to
homo
sapien
pedestrians
is
truly
a
remarkable
occurence.
Ronald
Reagan
I
forget.
Mark
Twain
The
news
of
its
crossing
has
been
greatly
exaggerated.
Zeno
of
Elea
To
prove
it
could
never
reach
the
other
side.
Woody
Allen
The
chicken
was
faced
with
a
crossroads
-
one
way
led
to
complete
despair,
the
other
to
total
destruction;
let
us
hope
the
chicken
made
the
right
choice.
Todd
Rundgren
The
Supreme
Court
wouldn't
do
it,
The
President
and
the
Congress
wouldn't
do
it,
The
UN
wouldn't
do
it,
the
H-bomb
wouldn't
do
it,
The
sun
and
the
moon
wouldn't
do
it,
And
God
wouldn't
do
it,
And
I
certainly
wouldn't
do
it
-
That
left
the
chicken
-
the
chicken
had
to
do
it.
Appendix:
>From
the
Firesign
Theatre,
an
audio
comedy
group
A:
Why
did
the
shorthair
cross
the
road?
B:
I
don't
know.
A:
Because
somebody
told
him
to.
Why
did
the
longhair
cross
the
road?
B:
(tentatively)
Because
somebody
told
him
not
to?
A:
(disappointedly)
Aw
-
you
heard
it
already.