Real Astrology | The Televisionary Oracle

The Televisionary Oracle Newsletter This Month's Special: Every Day's a Holiday California Drops Into the Ocean! Millions thank their parents for childhood swimming lessons! Deluge results in excellent hydroponic tomatoes! One might think that these headlines are true after reading the September issue of the Televisonary Oracle Newsletter, because it's loaded with predictions for the End of Life As We Know It, references to children and swimming, and a yowsa amount of California stories. All that, plus our editor broke a steel-embossed journalistic rule and wrote most of her contributions on an outrageously empty stomach, leading to the creation of possibly more food copy than a library of Gourmet magazines' anniversary issues. Unsure of how all this happened, we've hit upon the lie that we're simply tailoring to our audience: so if you're an apocalyptically-inclined, hungry, aquatically adept former child with the bent of the Calif-phile, snuggle right up. For the rest of you, well--if you like Rob's poetry, good essays, tree huggers, weird shit, bad dreams, menstrual rants, fake news, nudie nun photos, and screaming like hell into the telephone, read on. We're keeping the Pretty Darned Good-Looking Corpse up for an extra month because it's too much fun to quit now. Crack some brain-eggs and keep the story going. And don't forget that this baby is hyperlinked up one side and down the other. Write in at length and often, telling us what you think, like, fear, love, eat, miss, made up, lie about, wish would happen, or dream. 'Tis the very nectarous sea upon which we richly drift. --Gaudy Gargoyle Real Astrology's gangreneously glittering galumph The Televisionary Oracle - September 1998 Table of Contents Future Shock Extra! Extra! Rob Brezsny writes the news on paper! Lies! Half-truths! Certain scandals! Make-believe! Just like your own daily! Hype-Ocalypse Now! Mice or rickets? Too much leisure time or cataclysmic orgasms? It's your last chance to vote for your favorite form of world annihilation. Mightier Than the Sword Poetry is dangerous work, but someone's got to do it. Rob shares from his collection Images Are Dangerous. 'Net Ball It's the end of the world as we know it, and astrologer Antero Alli feels fine. Letter From Yerp Hells Bells: Part two of Eric Francis's nudie nun story. Discover what a modern-day S&M art opening and Hitler's Germany have in common. Also, catch up with the nudie nuns in part one. Pretty Darned Good-Looking Corpse An interactive game using the stunning technology of our era to do exactly what people sitting around a campfire have done with no more than their tongues and lips for centuries. Take the tale from your neighbor and keep juggling. Food Frenzy We flipped our frappé, scalded the sauté, and boiled the bakery brown in the kitchen this month. Take a day off and cook yourself silly. Menstrual Madness Bitch and moan: Bringing in some fresh blood. Broken Hearts Club What powers up mountains, leaps boldly from flying airplanes, pounds, dances, bungees, rafts, soars, dives, flies, runs, swims, and breaks? This club ain't for wussies. Mercury's Mess A liguistics lesson before going gay while cleaning up after Missy the Wonder Dog! It's A Date Saint of the Month: The short simple tale of tree-lugger Charles Kellogg. Dream of the Month: A scary little boat trip to the Land of Nod. Original Sin of the Month: How does work work for you? Every Day's a Holiday: Primal Scream therapy for beginners. Missed the news from our letter? Frittered away your summer actually spending time outdoors away from the computer? For shame! But worry not. We've cleverly archived past issues for just such an indelible emergency. Catch yerself up. Home Surf the Boulevards network to other great alternative content sites.