A Passion Play

Jesus and his disciples were truckin' down the road to Jerusalem when they came upon this crazy scene.

There, in the middle of the road, was a broken down 1968 Cadillac Coup deVille! The engine was running and two sinister characters could be half-seen, their heads and torsos hidden under the hood, vile language and filthy fumes pourd forth from front and rear respectively. Amidst this noise, confusion, and stench did the Prince of Peace enter, his disciples close on his heels.

"Halt this wretched wickedness!" He cried in His money-changers-in-the-temple voice. "Come forth, Satan, and Begone! Leave these men in peace!"

At this unexpected commotion one of the men toiling under the hood of the car looked up sideways and, eyeing Jesus maliciously, said "Eat it, M_____ F_____. It's jerks like you that cause s___ like this to happen. If you'd pay your highway taxes instead of hitchhiking and livin' off the state then we'd have good gasoline instead of this rot gut s___ they sold us in Bethlehem." He then coughed, spit, and stuck his head into the mouth of the beast.

At this, Peter, sword drawn and furiously fuming, advanced shouting "thou hast a devil, a thousand devils, thou wicked and vile villain!" Jesus barely restrained Peter though he remained fuming, frustrated in his desire to slay the Wicked One.

"Peace, Brethren" Jesus spoke calmly and firmly to the two beneath the hood. "We wish only to save you from the clutches of the Beast and the flames of the pit wherein you climb. Come, walk with us in Peace and leave this monstrous machine."

"Screw you too, buddy" was the reply. "You want us to ditch this $6000 beauty so's one of your henchmen can pick it up later, huh? Well, no deal! Now, beat it!"

Jesus, adament and unafraid, continued to beseech the brethren to leave their troublesome toy-ling, pointing out that no worldly matter could be of such importance that it would warrant the hectic hurry and irritated state of mind these two (and future millions) were (and are) involved in.

Further, He warned them that if they followed their present course of action, the highways would soon be littered with beer cans, bottles, and bodies - possibly thier own. The air would become noxious wherever they went and the oil reserves would be a constant source of contention and argument between peoples, leading eventually to world wars and massive devastation.

"Here, brother, take my hand and let us walk this road together and enter the City of Peace as One."

This torrent of Reason and Compassion however, fell on deaf ears for the two never even looked up but continued to tinker with the faulty engine. Jesus and his followers walked onward toward Jerusalem.

Save one.

One Judas Iscariot, a scheming social reformer who, seeing Jesus had failed (temporarily at least) in his attempt to rid the highway of the Beast, thought he would return and see if he couldn't re-form the situation. Judas snuck back to the now sputtering cadillac, its occupants sat in forlorn surrender at the side of the road, engulfed in smoke and covered with grime.

"May i have a look at your car?" he asked.

"Sure, chum", replied the two.

Judas, having studied the workings of progress and having dabbled in future speculation, prophecy and clairvoyance, thought he knew a way to fix this mess. Adding some ready made chemicals to the gas, a little STP to clean the engine, installing a few pollution control devices, a governor on the gas feed to limit speed to 60 Km/hr, a tap here, a twist there, ...

Judas looked up with a smile on his grimy face, "All fixed fellas!"

The two looked up in disbelief but when they heard the engine purring and saw the clouds of smoke clear away, grins broke out on both faces. "Jump in Judas" they called as they headed the car for Jerusalem. "We'll give ya a lift up to your buddies".

As Judas climbed in the one on the right threw a few bills in the back. "Here, take this for yer trouble. Ya oughta setup a garage somewhere, good money in it", he said as they pulled away from the curb.

Now, as fate might have it, these three caught up with Jesus and the Eleven at the Calvary crossroads. The driver let Judas out here, informing him they would be turning left onto the interstate to Babylon but that he'd like to speak to the head honcho if Judas would just send him over. Judas says "sure", goes over and tells Jesus these guys wanna see Him.

Well, Jesus is no dummy but He's gotta give it a try anyway so He begins to walk across the interstate to see these guys when a big black cadillac with Texas plates comes screamin' up the on-ramp and nails Him dead, the driver yellin' over his CB, "Nobody F___s around with Roamin' Red from Corpus Christi!"

There follows a big scene on the interstate with Judas throwing himseslf off the overpass into traffic, taking with him the knowledge of pollution control that could have saved Los Angeles. The state troopers arrive and Peter openly denies having seen anything, not wanting to get involved.

And the body of Jesus

    Mysteriously

        Dis-appears